I cannot deny my love for bad movies. I simply can’t. I favor a many of good movies too, and also not every bad movie manages to it is in so-bad-it’s-awesome. In fact, many negative movies are just so-bad-they-SUCK. The problem, you see, is that practically everyone paint, etc the line in between these two categories in a slightly various place.

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For instance, the Renny Harlin “thriller” Mindhunters?

Yeah, this is one of my really favorite guilty pleasures of every time.

Summary:

A team of FBI profiler trainees (and LL Cool J) space left alone ~ above this island the doubles as a cultivate ground for both the military and also the bureau. Val Kilmer, their instructor, has actually created an elaborate exam because that them come take: they must visit the mock step of the crime and also create a profile of your pretend serial killer. Unfortunately for them, there’s a real serial killer on the island too, and also when world start dying, the profiler’s check becomes all as well real. Bwahahahahaha!

. . . Yeah, it’s awesome.

Notes:

1. Ns . . . It’s difficult to recognize quite where to begin. Well, let’s see. Have you ever seen Criminal Minds? There room some similarities. Criminal Minds is a TV procedural, and also it likewise focuses on a team of FBI profilers who examine serial killers and catch unsubs (unknown subjects). And . . . That is about where the similarity ends. Because while CM is a fun, addicting drama v solid acting and also not entirely ridiculous storylines, Mindhunters is . . . All ridiculous, every the time. Criminal mental is to Mindhunters as The Dark Knight is to Batman and also Robin. Recognize what i mean?

2. That course, Mindhunters is much more enjoyable 보다 Batman and Robin, if only for two reasons: one, Arnie isn’t in the former, and two, Mindhunters has a lot of ludicrously violent and also gory deaths. Ludicrously violent and also gory deaths nearly always improve a movie.

3. There are a number of B, C, and also D-listers in this film, therefore I’ll summary cover a good chunk of castle in this note.

Kathryn Morris

Morris dram Sara, our insecure heroine with a catastrophic backstory, and in a movie that’s not exactly awash with stellar acting, Morris is easily the weakest connect here. She has this one scene whereby she’s staring under a clock—don’t ask—and I got to call you, honestly? i think the clock wins.

Sara is boring, whiny, and also almost completely useless. She very few moments of badassness? Yeah, ns don’t buy any type of of them.

Jonny Lee Miller

Miller plays Lucas, another profiler and, an ext importantly, Sara’s love interest. Miller’s good in the role—in fact, he gets the only worthwhile quote in the entire movie—but the accent . . .

Good Lord, the accent.

If girlfriend don’t know the actor, Jonny Lee miller is English, and supposedly, the Scottish the he go in Trainspotting is, like, the finest fake Scottish accent ever. His American is normally respectable enough—it has sort of one odd, Matthew Broderick-esque high quality to it—but, like almost every various other English gibbs I deserve to think, his southerly is so hideous that it’s one of the many laughable things about the movie. And trust me, folks: there room a many laughable things around this movie.

Christian Slater

Slater plays JD (yes, another far more inferior JD) who’s the team leader. JD’s also kind the a tiny shit—in a scene wherein a dead cat is hanging native the ceiling, he philosophies it through his super clever quip, “Here, kitty, kitty”—but his absence of empathy because that dead cat aside, the character’s simply kind of there, and also there’s not a lot to say about him.

LL COOL J

LL Cool J theatre Gabe, the only non-profiler that the group. He’s over there to observe . . . Boy, go he choose the not correct weekend, right? every in all, LL Cool J’s pretty lot there come say badass things, was standing in a gibberish manner, and also get out of his jacket in fight scene so the we deserve to adore his at sight muscly arms. That does fine sufficient at the . . . I’m always up for having LL Cool J around to say points like, “Eenie meenie miny mo. Who’s the next motherfucker to go?” But, as far as stunner Renny Harlin movie go, his superior duty is as Preacher in Deep Blue Sea.

Clifton Collins Jr.

Collins theatre Vince, the only wheelchair bound profiler in the group. Honestly, Collins is a tiny shrieky in this function for me—although the doesn’t annoy me nearly as much as Kathryn Morris—but his character’s kind of fun. Top top one hand, you kind of feel poor for him. After all, gift a paraplegic on the best of days probably isn’t a picnic, so being a paraplegic top top a day where you’re trapped on one island with a psychotic serial killer . . . Ns mean, that’s just a bunch of bullshit, is what the is. ~ above the various other hand, Collins is a tiny psychotic himself, and also he’s not really a quite guy. I favor that the male in the wheelchair is the survivalist of the group. An excellent for him.

and lastly . . .Val Kilmer


. . . I have no idea what I'm law here.


All I can really call you about Kilmer is the he plays Harris, the eccentric FBI instructor. Just how eccentric? Well, he really likes overelaborate maintain exercises because that his team. Also, notification the lengthy hair. Totally eccentric.

4. Actually, let’s go ago to those maintain exercises because that a moment, candlestick we? The money that the FBI is apparently shelling the end to pay because that pretend dwellings of horror could easily to buy me a expedition to Maui. Probably also Rome. Ns mean, I obtain that there should be some props and whatnot for general ambience, yet who precisely is paying because that all the gothic silverware, those old paintings, the room completely full of dead animals? If this is whereby my taxes space really going, I’m moving to Canada, man.

5. Every rarely now and then, a glimmer that a great idea pops up in this movie. The finest example in Mindhunters is this: Sara and Lucas are sharing a tender minute (you know, amidst all the stunner death and also murder and whatnot) and also Lucas tells she this:

“All I understand is this: you don’t challenge your demons and defeat them. You challenge your demons, climate you confront them, climate you face them part more.”

In movies, it’s super usual to have characters find the root of their issues and also magically gain over them, or go with some new horrible traumatic suffer to get past some older dreadful traumatic experience, and also somehow end up healed from both traumas instead of simply being, you know, an ext traumatized. It’s cool that, here, castle play v the idea that human being don’t just get over stuff with inspirational music and a little loving. World go through stuff, and then resolve it because that the rest of their lives.

Of course, as soon as said tender moment is over, they never lug up this idea again, for this reason it type of walk nowhere. But it to be a nice half-thought.

6. It’s not so much a talk about the movie itself, however when i was looking increase Mindhunters top top Wikipedia, i was yes, really amused through the personality descriptions. Because that instance, they cite Bobby, “a young male with a talent for resolving things,” and also Vince, “a wheelchair-using ex cop that goes nowhere without his gun.”

And climate there was Nicole: “A smoker who is trying come quit.”

That’s it. That’s every Nicole gets. Not ‘a feisty, young certified dealer who’s likewise trying come quit smoking.’ Nothing around her great qualities or talents or strengths. Just some chick that likes to smoke.

I guess i should simply be impressed that there was more than one girl on the team.

7. Although, probably saying the Nicole—or any type of of the profilers, for that matter—are talented or hardcore in any method might be extending the fact . . . Prefer a lot. I obtain that these world are trainees and all, but none of these characters even remotely acts like they’re a government agent. I’m simply saying, if this guys manage to make it through this entirety Island of death thing, ns don’t think they’re walk to do it in the FBI.

8. Finally, here’s one idea because that you: when something that looks like sophisticated trap start up—for instance, once you’re was standing in a room and about a bazillion dominoes start falling on themselves, all plainly leading to something—maybe friend should shot to one of two people a, prevent the trap before it springs, or b, leaving the room before the trap goes off. Because, seriously, the pre-trap present goes on for at the very least a minute and also a half. That is many of time to do something, not just stand there complacently and wonder, “Huh. Ns hope nothing poor is going come happen.”

There are a most ridiculous details to walk over, however unfortunately, many of them involve spoilers. So because that those who want to clock this movie and mock and also laugh, don’t proceed onward. Simply know that this is stunner ineptitude at its best.

For everyone else, bring on:

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

So, poor Christian Slater is the an initial to go, and considering that he’s among the much more noticeable name in this group of B, C, and also D-listers, that’s actually kind of cool. What would be even much more cool is if Kathryn Morris obtained axed next, yet unfortunately we’re pretty much stuck through her for the entirety movie

So Slater gets hit with a whole bunch the pressurized liquid nitrogen, and also he freezes, falls over, and breaks in half. It’s awesome. Over-the-top and ridiculous however awesome. Then we start killing off the various other profilers, consisting of Nicole and also Vince. Vince is eliminated when his pistol backfires on that (and there to be a many talk among the friend if it to be the pistol or the ammo that was rigged because, really, neither do sense). Nicole, that well known ex-smoker, runs off on her own since she doesn’t trust anyone, and when every the tobacco vending makers on the island unexpectedly dispense a totally free one, she can’t stand up to taking it because . . . She’s a moron. Ns mean, seriously? you know world are being murdered through their vices or their an abilities . . . And also you’re simply going come take the magically appearing cigarette? ns don’t care how tough you’re craving. Moron.

Anyway, for this reason it’s simply Sara, Lucas, and also LL Cool J left. Castle think that Val Kilmer is the bad guy and also that he’s hiding what on the island, however actually Kilmer to be killed beforehand offscreen, and they uncover his corpse strung up favor a to dance marionette. The staying profilers rotate on one another and also start shooting. LL Cool J shoots Lucas in the chest, and then there to be two.

Sara and also LL Cool J hit each various other for awhile, and LL Cool J is an alleged to be all menacing and also evil and also whatnot, but it’s quite clear the they both think the various other one is the poor guy. Climate in a shocking, shocking revolve of events, Lucas comes earlier from the dead—you know, I need to really think about investing in a bulletproof vest, because apparently, castle come super in handy—and tackles LL Cool J.

After some much more fighting, LL Cool J is hit in the head through a fire extinguisher and also is one of two people dead or unconscious (spoiler: he’s simply unconscious). Then Sara reveals her clever tiny plan to Lucas: back when she was staring under a clock earlier? She to be actually setting her own trap because that the killer. See, the killer is every obsessed through time, so Sara fucked around with the clock, understanding that he’d need to reset it. The killer would accidentally obtain his hands every glowy v this neat, invisible substance the she spanned the clock with.

Sara check LL Cool J’s hands, however surprise! It’s not him. That have the right to only mean . . . It was Lucas every along! negative Jonny Lee Miller! Bad! (Although, the does get a funny when she realizes it’s him. He simply kind of look at at she with sort of a whoops expression and is all, “This is awkward.” Hee.)

So, Sara’s afraid of drowning since of she tragic past, however apparently that’s not her just weakness. Her other weakness? together Lucas self says: “Me!” (Someone thinks highly of themselves.) The two have actually an underwater gun battle, where Sara take away a minute to mouth the words, “Fuck you,” to Lucas. She mouths them. In slow-mo. Underwater. Awesome.

Anyway, Sara wins the battle by gift able to continue to be underwater the longest (even despite she’s phobic and hasn’t swam in twenty-odd years; apparently, she’s rather the natural) and climate she shoots that in the neck. Even though, in the very next shot, Lucas isn’t shoot in the neck. Even though, when he isn’t shooting in the neck, Lucas says, “I have actually your bullet in my neck.” This movie has a lot of modifying issues.

Anyway, lengthy story short, LL Cool J comes back to life; Lucas gets shot again, and also this time that sticks. Sara and also LL Cool J acquire to leaving the island, and all is happily ever before after.

A few more notes, this time through spoilers:

1. Kathryn Morris it s okay to ~ pretend she’s dead a lot in this film. Ns think she provides Dead challenge at least three times. Ns don’t think that beats out Elijah timber in The lord of the Rings trilogy, yet it’s close, therefore she’s getting the honorary Frodo compensation for many Fake-Out Deaths.

2. Friend know just how all the personalities have a weakness? Well, prior to you understand he’s the poor guy, Lucas’s just weakness is that he’s “fearless”. (This is his very own self-assessment. Choose I said, Lucas type of has actually an ego because that being the “nice guy”.) and also it’s not that being fearless can’t it is in a weakness . . . Yet it’s just sort of a heat dropped in over there and, frankly, there’s no a lot of of evidence to earlier up the claim.

3. Why is Lucas law this, you can ask? Well, ever because he murdered his parents once he to be a kid, he’s to be bored and he’s wanted much better prey. So he joins the FBI. For this reason he can . . . Kill other FBI? In super overelaborate ways? and also his setup after this is to . . . What? Kill other FBI agents and hope they don’t capture on? Or will certainly he leaving the FBI and also do the exact same thing to, say, the CIA?

Conclusion: This is a silly, ludicrous movie, however I had so lot fun watching that and, well, picking it apart, that i couldn’t aid but love it. Take it seriously, and also you’re walk to hate it. If you choose unintentional comedies, though, this might be the movie because that you.

Grade: Um. C. It should probably be a D+, but because I enjoy it as lot as ns do, the goes increase a letter grade.

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Moral: understand your strengths and also weaknesses. They can be used versus you, and also by used against you, I mean they can be offered to cut your head off and also drain friend of all her blood. Whoops.