While it is true that "No one expects the SCP Inquisition!", that is only because there is no such thing.
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There is no market for SCP brand pornography. 1.No, not even in Germany.
Victims of SCP-217 are not toys. 1.Nor are they to be used as props at a Steampunk Convention.
. Not even for recreational use.
Not allowed to send Nigerian-esque spam email to the Church of the Broken God.
Not allowed to end reports with lyrics from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". 1.But is allowed to end with lyrics from the Safety Dance. 2.The interpretive dance routine, however, is forbidden until he gets lessons for the foreseeable future.
Dr. Bright is NOT: A superhero of any sort, Head of Public Relations, in charge of Orientation for new staff, a doctor of psychology, a member of Site Command, made out of bacon, in possession of a IQ over 300, Head of SCP Review, or a member of Maintenance Staff. (Sorry boys, Dr. Bright IS a member of Site Command. It's usually best not to ask why. It's O5 Command you're thinking of.)
No longer allowed to make up jodies for morning calisthenics. 1.Yes, this includes The Mickey Mouse Club song.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to apply SCP-963 to any major political figures. Again.
Dr. Bright is not from an alternate timeline. 1.Dr. Bright cannot issue orders to "preserve the timeline". 2.Or to "corrupt the timeline". 3.Or to "screw with those history nerds".
1.Chainsaws are not the solution to every question.1.Nor is 'More Chainsaws'.2.Or "Chainsaw cannons"1.Except for that one time. And yes, it was awesome.SCP speed dating never happened. Any one who claims to remember such an event should report to Site Command for administration of Class A amnesiac.
Nothing in the Foundation is rated 'Over 9000.'
"My evil twin did it" is no longer considered a viable excuse. 1.Nor is "My good twin did it," considering the implications.
Yes, forum trolls are annoying. No, they don't automatically become D-class personnel.
The "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" is not grounds to pit more than fifteen combative SCPs, including SCP-682 and Able, against each other. 1."Weeding out some of these angsty teens with attitude problems," however, is. 2.Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer 'Free Hugs.'
The Foundation motto is "Secure, Contain, Protect", not any of the following: 1."Stab Carrion Powerfully" 2."Let's use it on 682!" 3."Throw the cheese!" 4."That's it, you're on Keter Duty." 5."Can we put it in 914?" 6."Blood makes the grass grow, kill, kill, kill!" 7."Fuck trees, I climb clouds motherfucker!" 8."Someone is getting stabbed." 1.But some days, it should be. 9."Whose hand is that?" 10."If all else fails, poop on it." 11."If all else fails, there's always the sun." 12."We need bigger kittens." 13."Society of Creepy Perverts." 14."Fuck Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. We've got Clef, Gears, Kondraki and Bright." 15."Throw D-Class at it until it stops." 16."447 and dead bodies, two great tastes that taste great together." 17."The FBI are a bunch of pansies." 18."Who wants to see what I can make the president do in public?" 19."For the Horde!" 20."Science for the Science God!" 21."Make sure to wipe your feet on 2558!" 22."When in doubt, feed it to 682." 23."Slapstick, Clowns and Puns" 24."Drop the blanket now!" 25."Seduction, Coitus, and Pregnancy" 26."We always need more Dakka!" 27."Still Alive, and Found the Cake" 28."Don't Worry, O5 won't ever figure it out!" 29."Will it blend?" 30."Commies love us!" 31."Snap Crackle and Pop"
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to offer the solution of "Use more guns" to any problem. 1.Or "Get bigger guns."
Despite what he may say and any evidence, no matter how plausible, the SCP Foundation has never and will never be associated with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and regardless of what Dr. Bright may say, he is not, and I quote, "A real life wizarding tutor." 1.Nor is he a vampire. That was body glitter and bad acting. 2.And despite what the computer file on him may say, he is not Muad'dib. The spice can flow just fine without him.
Cthulhu and R'lyeh are not valid reasons to send Pandora's Box out into the Pacific Ocean in order to capture them. Furthermore, these are not even SCPs, and I will find the person who decided to enter a database file for them.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to upload visual memetic kill agents to 4chan 7chan any imageboard. 1.Well, okay, maybe to 4chan. It'd be doing the gene pool a service.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to accept or use the following as payment for bets: 1.Your soul 2.Anyone else's soul 3.Virgin's blood 4.Reproductive organs 5.SCPs 6.Memories (real or imagined) 7.Pieces of your past I have no idea how that worked with Clef, but apparently he can do it. 8.The island of Manhattan 9.Beads 10.Firstborn children 11.Second-born children 12.Red-headed stepchildren 13.Rented mules 14.Gold spun from straw 15.A child's laughter 16.A child's tears 17.Virginity 18.Ponies 19.Anyone's grandmother 20.Anyone's grandfather 21.Anyone's sister 22.Any blood relative
Dr. Bright is not allowed to get on the PA system at site 19 and announce that he just won The Game You know what, Dr. Bright is just never allowed on the PA system for any reason, ever.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to dare new personnel anyone to play 'peek-a-boo' with either SCP-569 or SCP-173.
When ordering things online, send them to PO Box ████ and not directly to Site 19. We've already had three postmen show up at the front door. (How did they even find us?) Dr. Bright is not to give directions to Site 19 to non-Foundation personnel.
The SCP Foundation does not have any such position as "Chief Defenestrator". 1.Wrong. 1.Agent Clef is not allowed to create new positions.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-914 to craft items from Team Fortress 2. 1.Yes, a Medigun would be a useful tool for the Foundation medical staff. No, we are not going to waste any more SCP-500 attempting to make one, especially not after SCP-427. 2.Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-914 to craft items from Minecraft, either. Also, your "Diamond Pickaxe" has been confiscated.
Dr. Bright possesses the ability of consciousness transfer and the artifact SCP-963. He does not possess any of the following: 1."laser" eyes. 2."laser" nostrils. 3."laser"
SCP-963 is not a 'soul gem', and making a contract with Dr. Bright will not turn you into a 'magical girl'. 1.Not even if he includes a 'magical girl outfit'.
SCP-963 is not the Soul Gem. Bright does not have access to the Infinity Gauntlet. Please stop glaring at people who annoy you and snapping.
Copies of SCP-1981 are not to be submitted to "America's Funniest Home Videos". 1.Or posted on YouTube. 2.Or on YouPorn. 3.Or to Tosh.0.
The following are not appropriate sources for D-class personnel: 1.Temp agencies. 2.Craigslist. 3.Reality show talent pools. 4.Jerry Springer tapings. 5."Orphans." 6."Urchins." 7."Ragamuffins." 8."Those sons of bitches who scratched up my paint job at the car wash." 9.Ex-girlfriends. 10.Ex-boyfriends. 11.Ex-partners of any gender variation whatsoever. 12.Staff members' in-laws. 13.Youtube comment threads. 14.Forum trolls. 15.Angsty teens. 16.Bad applications to the SCP Foundation. Two exceptions have been made, but the rest are off limits. 17.Occupy Wall Street. 18.The Tea Party. 19.The Green Party. 20.The "Green" Party. 21.The Gathering of the Juggalos. 1.How the fuck do they work?
The following items are not SCPs: 1.Rainbows. 2.Double rainbows. 3."Rainbooms", whether sonic or otherwise. 4.The tides. 5.The Moon. 6."Fucking magnets". 7.Rocks that skip three times before they go underwater. 8.Soy cheese. 9.Hippies. 10.Hipsters. 11."MILFs." 12."G-MILFs." 13."GG-MILFs." 14."Actually funny SNL skits" As these do not exist, they cannot be SCPs. 15.Anyone's breasts. 16.People who can solve Rubik's Cubes (of any size). 17.Shiny Any Pokemon.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to test internet "Creepypasta" rites using Class-D personal.
"Yo mama" is not "so ugly SCP-096 didn't look at her."
SCP-173 is not a babysitter. Having SCP-173 play 'Where's the baby?' is downright cruel. Not, as Dr. Bright claims, '
Playing the song "Thriller" in the presence of SCP-008 victims is expressly forbidden. 1.Letting out SCP-008 victims and punching them "to simulate Minecraft" is also forbidden. 2.Pushing several agents in front of SCP-008 victims "to simulate Resident Evil" is not a valid excuse, either. 3.Dr. Bright is no longer allowed near victims of SCP-008.
Even if Dr. Bright is wearing an eyepatch, he is not allowed to "Keel-Haul" anyone. 1.Not even on "Talk Like a Pirate Day". 2.Talk Like a Pirate Day is not allowed to be celebrated at Site ██. Any personnel violating this rule will walk the plank be severely disciplined. 3.There is no such thing as "Talk Like a Ninja" day, and Dr. Bright is not allowed to create it.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to play "SCP Roulette" with SCP-173, a light switch and any combination of D-class and new personnel.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to "go on crusade". 1.Or on "jihad". 2.Dr. Bright is not permitted to issue fatwas against anyone or anything.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to declare "After ten thousand years I'm free! It's time to conquer Earth!" upon assuming a new host.
Dr. Bright is not, nor has he ever been, the "Undisputed SCP Intercontinental Champion".
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to run through Site 19 any site while screaming "THE KETER IS LOOSE" unless it's an actual emergency. 1.Claiming it's for research on the effects of social engineering is not an emergency. 2.Nor is using it to clear out the areas Dr. Bright is otherwise restricted from entering due to reasons given on this list. 3.Dr. Bright may not start referring to any persons or SCPs as "The Keter" in order to circumvent these rules, unless they are actually classified as Keter.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to use the words "swag" , "swag it", "swagginator", "swaggify", or "super swag" to define himself or any other person(s).
Dr. Bright is not allowed to speak in a voice resembling a movie character. 1.Dr. Bright is not allowed to reenact any movie. Even G-rated ones? Even G-rated ones.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to say "Everything the Bright touches is our kingdom"
Dr. Bright may not urge bereaved staff members to "look at the Bright side". 1.Nor is he allowed to refer to any name-related puns as "
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to commit "Seppuku." 1.Even if he has an audience. 2.Especially a captive one.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to commission, produce, advertise, or display animated videos to containment staff anyone with the subject, "What Happens When You Fuck Up Containing SCP (insert SCP here)" 1.NO, it is NOT educational, Bright. Not the way you show it.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to create a "The Things Dr Bright Is Allowed To Do At The Foundation" list by listing everything that isn't on this list. Just because it isn't on this list doesn't mean you should do it. 1.He may however request for one to be created. 2.He may not, however, suggest what should be on said list.
Dr. Bright may not refer to anyone as a "peasant."
Dr. Bright is not allowed to arrange gladiatorial arena combat between D-class, even ESPECIALLY if any SCPs are used as weapons.
SCP-173 does not "just want a hug" and Dr. Bright may not attempt to convince anyone otherwise.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to attack instances of SCP-217 claiming that "the Borg have attacked".
Dr. Bright is not allowed to start any drag races between D-classes in cars and SCP-096.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to yell out "Immigration!" near any foreign personnel.
Doctor Bright is not allowed to convince new personnel ANYONE to "have a friendly staring contest with SCP-096."
Dr. Bright is not allowed to send a Slinky down SCP-087.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim that Researcher Zyn Kiryu is the new "Master of Butterflies" due to her extensive work on butterfly-related SCP items. 1."King of the Booterflies" is not an inheritable title. No, not even if Kondraki really is dead, which, if true, Dr. Bright isn't cleared to know. 2.Researcher Zyn Kiryu is also not to be referred to by Dr. Bright as "Queen of the Butterflies", "Mistress of the Butterflies", "Supreme Princess of the Butterflies", "Great Shepherd of the Butterflies", "Second Cousin of the Butterflies", or "Major Associate of the Butterflies," or any other grandiose title referring to butterflies.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new Foundation recruits fictional horror stories involving his family.
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Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new Foundation recruits factual horror stories involving his family.
Okay, who thought it was a good idea to let him have a tiktok account to read off all of these?