Since we didn’t go to Comic Con this year, Mek and also I decided to throw ourselves a pity party instead—or what I choose to contact . . . Alterna Comic Con!

On the schedule for Day One? “Worst Video Game Adaptation” Movie Marathon. Obviously, tright here were many type of possible contenders. Sadly, some nominees were not obtainable at the video keep, which is why you won’t see a recap for Super Mario Bros. anytime quickly.

You are watching: Too bad you will die

Still. We did fairly well via the movies we gained. First film up?

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I constantly favored Shang Tsung, yet I don’t feel prefer I totally appreciated him till I was stuck with Brian Thompboy as my major villain. For starters, it’s tough to save your Big Bad ominous and creepy when you present his big meanie daddy right into the mix. More importantly, Thompchild simply has no charisma of any kind of type in this movie. His voice is an inexplicable one—probably why he gets cast as a villain as regularly as he does—however it’s not, say, Christopher Lambert’s voice. He can’t just depend on it to be creepy for him.

I miss you, Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa. I miss out on your sneer and your constantly transforming hairlayouts. If tbelow is ever a third movie, please, please come back. I don’t care if your character’s dead. That didn’t stop Scorpion. It shouldn’t soptimal you.

3. Of course, tright here were exceptionally few actors from Mortal Kombat that bothered to rerevolve for the sequel. While I’m certain they’re all much happier for it currently, let’s take a quick look at some of the many hideous recasting that’s ever before emerged in film history. For instance:


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This is Raiden.

Yes. Raiden.

To be fair, Raiden does start off the movie with long hair. The hairreduced happens later on, after he arbitrarily becomes a mortal for around the same reason that anypoint else happens in this movie . . . cause.

It must be sassist, though, that James Remar? James Remar is not a negative actor. You know this, if you’re a fan of Dexter wright here James Remar plays Dexter’s dead daddy. (It’s not a spoiler.) But right here . . . he’s just . . . so . . . American. The voice is so wrong. The totality point is so wrong. The second Remar opens his mouth, you simply can’t help yet laugh. It’s too awful to really be anypoint but funny.

4. Sonya Blade and also Johnny Cage are also reactors in Annihilation. Johnny Cage’s respreading is painful, also for the entire, oh, 4 minutes that it lasts. Before he have the right to fuck up the movie too badly, though, Cage bites the significant one. It’s a pretty needmuch less fatality, and also I can only assume it’s a huge fuck you to Linden Ashby, that was reportedly the just actor that determined not to rerevolve after analysis the manuscript. (The others had actually scheduling problems.)

5. Now, Sonya Blade . . . oh, Sonya Blade. In the first movie, she’s played by Bridgette Wilson, who’s mostly enjoyable (albeit not terribly believable) as a badass cop out for revenge. But honestly, if Shao Kahn made me miss Shang Tsung, Sandra Hess made me want to loss to my knees and beg forgiveness for eextremely time I have ever insulted Wilson’s acting capability.


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Jessica Simpson might have made a far better Sonya Blade. Hell, *I* can have actually made a far better Sonya Blade. Dark hair, glasses, and also extra cupcake weight contained. 

Please forgive me, Ms. Wilboy. I knew not what I said.

6. Sonya’s best little . . . that is, her a lot of unintentionally hilarious bit . . . is once Jax requirements to recognize what the hell is going on via all these ninjas and also robots trying to kill them eexceptionally five secs. See, Raiden decides to involve Jax in all of this Mortal Kombat service bereason . . . well, because Raiden has unique logic, as I’ll fancy upon in a later on note. But given that he wasn’t about for the initially MK tournament, Jax has absolutely no principle what’s going on. He says to Sonya, “If I’m going to die today, please tell me why.” Not precisely an unreasonable request.

Sonya’s exceptionally pouty response? “Nobody told me why Johnny had actually to die.”

Wow. Just . . . wow.

7. Speaking of responses that make no feeling . . . Sindel is Kitana’s once-dead, currently alive-and-very-evil mommy. When Kitana sees her for the first time, she understandably (if unnecessarily) says, “Mother . . . you’re alive!”

Sindel’s response? “Too bad YOU . . . will die.”

Um. What?

It’s even much better with all of Sindel’s posing and also finger-pointing. Seriously. I shouldn’t have actually even transcribed it. Watch this majesty for yourself.


8. Okay, back to Raiden’s distinct logic. Raiden concerns conclusions that show up to make no sense at all. Like, he just feels that Kitana is somejust how the vital to every one of this. Why?Cause. He similarly decides to swing by and pick up Jax, despite his not being great sufficient for the first go around at Mortal Kombat. Oh, and in what could be the most poorly created attempt at character development I’ve ever before seen, Raiden additionally decides that Jax’s bionic arms are a weakness holding him earlier.

Okay, Raiden. Okay. I think I speak for everyone once I say, “What-the-fuck-ever before.”

9. You can be curious to know exactly how Raiden and also the others take a trip to pick up Jax. Well, you might not, yet let me tell you anyways: they take a trip with faster than light, gigantic cat playthings that are concealed all around the facility of the earth.


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Consider this a little range representation.

It may not be the a lot of absolutely ridiculous thing in this movie . . . however it’s certainly in the top 3.

10. It’s kind of amazing, really, exactly how much worse the distinct impacts end up being in the sequel. Even for the 1990’s. They’re pretty hilarious.

11. In the games, an animality is supplied to turn your character right into an pet and also maim the crap out of your adversary. (Supposedly. I’ve never before actually used an animality before. Babalities, though, now those are hysterical.)

In the movie, however, your animality is your heart pet, or somepoint. It’s all exceptionally Hollylumber Native Amerihave the right to. And, apparently, dragons count as actual pets. Good to know.

12. It’s worth stating that trying to search for someone who will certainly seek you out? That’s . . . type of a contradiction in terms, isn’t it?

13. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation has actually an annoying habit of throwing in a ton of random characters without bothering to introduce them to you or offer them even more than a four minute fight sequence. They don’t bother to tell you who Mileena, Noob Saibot, or Ermac is. They totally drop personalities choose Nightwolf and also Below Zero . . . when they say somepoint inscrutable and also profound to Liu Kang, that is. They completely waste perfectly good avenues for fight sequences with Sheeva and Sindel . . . and the one through Sindel is particularly poor, considering that her character is much even more pivotal to the storyline. The totality suggest of this one fight is for the great males to abduct Sindel in an effort to rotate her great aacquire . . . and she’s caught and knocked unmindful offscreen while we watch Raiden randomly fight some fucking lacsecrets. Like, what?

Honestly, this movie’s extended so thin with personalities, it’s a wonder the film has any type of feeling of coherency at all.

14. Sonya and also Mileena acquire into an actual mud wrestling enhance . . .


. . . okay, so the mud fight’s actually kind of hysterical. No genuine complaints tright here. The clip above contains some of Sandra Hess’s and also Lynn ‘Red’ William’s stellar acting, and my favorite Sonya quote that I listed above.

15. Finally, when Scorpion—miraculously alive after the initially movie—pops up to kidnap Kitana, what does he say to Liu Kang and also Sub Zero’s Identical, Good Twin Brother?

“SUCKERS!”

Hoswarm to God. That’s what he states.

*Sighs.* I think I need to put my head dvery own.

CONCLUSIONS:

I may should buy this movie for fifty cents somewhere and hold a Bad Movie Bashing night. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is in a class of its own, world.

MVP:

God . . . I can’t . . . I can’t . . . Irina Pantaeva as Jade. Simply bereason she doesn’t annoy me as a lot as everybody else in this movie.

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GRADE:

D

MORAL:

Believe in yourself. Or, if you have actually an evil brother, just kill him currently. Indecision kills, Raiden. Just ask Johnny Cage.